What about my needs?????

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Well, Bli Ayin Hara, Baruch HaShem and all that jazz my fourth child, my first with my second husband, joined the world on the blessed day of Shavuot! She came in at a respectable 7 lbs 13 oz and 19" long with a moderate amount of dark hair, eye color yet to be determined. The siblings, all seven of them (don't forget my husband has four from his first marriage), are amazed and excited. I, for one, am simply thrilled at being able maneuver my body again without all the aches, pains and creaks of the extra belly weight. (Oh, who am I kidding--my tush took a hit also and I'm hoping it "downsizes" as quickly as my uterus.)

I suppose it would make sense if I took this time to write about the birth and the miracle of life and what it means to have a newborn, because really the entire process is so totally unbelievable, but I'm going to save it for another day. After only days post-partum I'm still processing, still in awe, and am a bit exhausted. But watching my beautiful daughter as she makes her way through her first days in this world of Malchut (the physical world) makes me reflect upon something that influences and drives us all . . .

A very dear friend of mine (in fact the same friend that gave me the name Tatiana) cracks me up every time he calls and I don't answer. Either I get a voice message or a text message that screams, "WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?????" clearly implying that I'm being callous and insensitive by not being available to meet his need to speak with me in that exact moment. Of course he is joking, but really . . . is he?

During the days leading up to my daughter's birth (I should mention here that I was in early labor for 4 solid days) the personal "needs-o-meter" of the various players in our family rose slightly each day. My oldest had his meltdowns about not enough "Wii time", my middle one had his meltdowns about not enough "privacy" in the house, my five year old had her meltdowns about not enough "(fill in the blank--it changed by the minute)", my husband had his moments about not enough time for me to help him with some work stuff, you get the idea . . . the needs-factor, more specifically the needs-from-me-factor, was very high. I did my best to meet those needs each day knowing that the impending birth was causing a bit of anxiety for everyone, even if the words weren't there to articulate it. Much to my surprise, it wasn't until after the birth that I found myself asking . . .

"WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?????"

You see, my daughter was born on the holiday of Shavuot which was immediately followed by Shabbat this year--this means that on that Friday and Saturday there was no driving, no phone, just time. My husband and I left for the hospital at 2 AM on Friday morning leaving my three kids and my step-son with my husband's parents. My kids and I had only met my mother-in-law a few days earlier--she had not visited from Israel in over two years and was staying in our home for her two-week visit (I should mention I never let anyone stay in my small home for more than a night or two so this was quite the concession on my part, especially before giving birth). My father-in-law had also been in our home to visit for the holiday so he happened to be around.

When the time came, my in-laws thankfully handled things like champs. However while I was in the hospital my husband ended up walking back and forth between home and the hospital (a 30 minute walk one-way) at least six times in order to keep things from completely imploding at home. My in-laws and the kids did come to visit on Shabbat afternoon for a bit which was nice. Regardless, the circumstances of so many kids coupled with the limitations of the holiday and Shabbat left me alone in the hospital for the majority of the time I was there after the birth wondering, "What about my needs?"

Yes, I know, bring out the violins and start weeping . . .

No, but seriously, I managed given that it was my fourth baby, but I realized in those quiet moments in the hospital that my needs , even in this rather vulnerable and raw time of childbirth, were not the priority. My husband, G-d bless him, did the best he could to balance it all and for this I am truly thankful. And, given that I am of the opinion that all is divinely orchestrated, I clearly needed that imposed time alone in the hospital with the baby. But it did not make it any easier and I did miss my husband as I could not even use the phone to call family and share the news.

And then, of course, came the added blow of becoming niddah--the state of a Jewish woman after childbirth or during her period when she and her husband cannot touch. I'll be perfectly honest: my first husband and I did not follow this practice and so it's a whole new thing for me and, wow, was I not prepared for what it means to not even be able to hug your husband after bringing a new life into the world together. I can tell you that the combination of a house guest, dealing with being niddah and a few other factors (hormones not the least of it) have really taken me for a ride. One would think this was my first kid, not my fourth!!

None-the-less, I'm taking it in stride, seeing that not only is the baby a huge blessing, bli ayin hara, but that even these challenges I am facing can only make me stronger; hopefully bringing me closer not only to those I love but even to those whom I have not fully let into my heart yet . . .

And, most important, maybe these challenges will even help me to better identify and understand my true needs so that I can grow to be a lighter version of myself--one where my own level of happiness and satisfaction in life becomes contagious and inspiring. Who knows, maybe you'll even start to consider your own needs as a result . . .

In the meantime, I'm taking it day-by-day, one nursing session at a time, and doing my best not to stress about my perceived personal needs, the fulfillment of which on some level continues to elude me. Instead I look around me and focus on this little bundle of blessing and the larger versions ages 5-12 that now enjoy the early days of summer vacation. I try not to think too much about how much I miss my husband . . .

And, in the bigger picture, contemplate the eternal question that weighs on most orthodox women's minds at one point or another after the birth of a child . . . the big "B.C." (we really need to have that talk about birth control! )

Until next time . . . may all your needs be fulfilled easily and with pleasure.
xo,
T

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