Nice to meet you . . .

I suppose if you are going to take the time to read words that I put on a page you might want to know a little something about me. It’s the way the mind works: we need categories and boxes to fit people into in order to make sense of whom and what they are about. Please don’t be expecting much in this regard from me. My husband continues to tell me he is trying to “figure me out”—so far no one has . . . including me. So, I’ll throw out a few titles of boxes that I might dip a toe into now and then to help frame my perspective to the degree that it can be framed: I look like an orthodox Jewish woman (more on that in later blogs). I’m 38. I’ve been called “hot” before—some days I actually believe it, most days I don’t. I’ve been a club rat; could have drank most of you under the table, had a tattoo of a heart in an unmentionable location that I later removed. Now-a-days my time consists mostly of caring for my kids, managing the logistics of the family and working. For those astrology buffs I’ll feed your curiosity: I’m Capricorn, Taurus rising, Gemini moon with Mars in Scorpio. Grew up in a Jewish home but not so observant—kept kosher but not Shabbat. My mom is a convert born in Germany, my dad born in the USA but from German and Persian descent. I have 3 amazing kids from my first marriage (was with him for 15 years) which thankfully ended amicably, and am about to give birth to my fourth child (remind me to talk about birth control when you’re “religious”), the first with my second husband—we’ve been married for just over a year after an extensive courtship of 6 weeks . . . after all, when you’re THAT attracted to someone and you’re trying to “play by the rules” how long can you hold off having sex? Better to get married and be able to have kosher sex and figure the rest out later, right? Crazily enough it seems to be working . . . not to say it has been easy, but I think the whole restriction before marriage thing might actually work. But I digress.

I’ve done a little bit of everything both personally (I’ll let you interpret) and professionally. Truthfully my resume is lengthy and impressive, but who really cares. For our purposes it’s enough that I have a pulse and can string words together in a coherent and hopefully thought provoking way. Let’s see . . . what else? My oldest son (12.5 yrs) has high functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome)—very funny and warm—tests at the college level for smarts while only being in 6th grade, requires a lot of watering and care. My middle son (10.5 yrs) is also a smart one . . . book smart and a smart ass with movie star good looks—no seriously, since he was an infant people would stop me in the grocery store to tell me how gorgeous he is. The witty pediatrician told me that I should just sew the condom on him now to save myself the headaches later (she really did say that). Truthfully he’s an amazingly interesting kid—he requires hugs and your undivided attention when he has something to say. My daughter (5.5 yrs) is not from this world. No really, she tells me not to tell anyone but that she is an alien from another planet and sometimes I actually believe her. I’m waiting for her to start teleporting around the place. She is highly sensitive and psychic and says the most positively profound things I have ever heard—she requires freedom and whole lot of respect—which I give to her as I would hate for her to vaporize me with her laser vision. I’m curious to see who #4 is . . . to be continued.

As for my husband, he’s a reformed bonafide bad boy (what’s the term? Ba’al Tshuva?) most of which I didn’t learn until after the marriage . . . G-d really knows how to work things, I’ll tell you. Had I known half this stuff I wouldn’t have thought twice about dating him let alone marrying him . . . but I would have also missed out on the absolute love of my life (and really amazing sex) so it’s all water under the bridge as they say. I look at it this way: I was also no angel so let’s just say we’ve gathered lots of “life” experience to share only with one another now (yes, we are actually “shomer negia”—we do not hug or touch anyone of the opposite sex other than each other—boy would our ex boyfriends and girlfriends get a laugh out of that one—but again, I digress). I’m pretty convinced he’s probably the only man on this planet who can handle me both in and out of bed—I guess it takes an Israeli/Iraqi Sephardic ex-gangster turned orthodox Jewish man to do the job. Who knew? And we met on JDate of all places . . . we were both on the site exactly two weeks—again, G-d works in mysterious ways.

(On a side note: he’s actually only about a year away from Smicha (this refers to officially becoming a rabbi) and is quite the genius in the arena of Halacha, Gemara, Kabbalah, etc. There’s just one thing that I can’t seem to grasp . . . if he becomes a rabbi (by title not by trade please) then that makes me . . . ?????? Let’s not go there now as I can only handle so much of this at a time. I’m still trying to recover from him buying a black hat to wear on Shabbat.)

His ex-wife is a very cool Christy Brinkley look-alike . . . we get along well and I respect her and thank her for taking all of my husband’s crap back then so that I don’t have to today. . . he has four amazing kids from that marriage that I consider my own. We are for sure the Jewish version of the Brady Bunch when we are all together. I can't say much else other than my husband is the best, at least for me, and I feel blessed to be going through "the process" with him. Baruch HaShem, Bli Ayin Hara, Thank G-d, I believe would all be appropriate at this point.

That’s probably enough of a glimpse of me and the family for now. I’m going to write stuff that I’m sure will offend some people but please know this is not my direct intention. After sharing things with friends and being encouraged to document my thoughts in blog format I finally decided to do it. Really what you will be witnessing on some level is my process because I make no guarantees that what I write one day remains my opinion or state of being the next. As we all are, I’m a work in process. So, having said that, drop me a note if you have something to say in response to what I write. Then I know at least one person is reading this!

Disclaimer: In my writing it is important that you know I don’t represent anyone or anything other than myself—I would hate for you to think that the way I think is the way most “mothers” or “Jewish women” or “wives” or “writers” or “whatever” thinks. Oh yes, one other thing: I could not care less if you really knew my true identity because that’s just how I am, but out of respect for my kids, and the more “graphic” way in which I often speak and write, I will remain under cover for now. If and when the time is right that may change too . . . but for now, just call me Tatiana (or Tati for short)—a nickname given to me by a very dear friend as he made fun of me for covering my hair with scarves that made me look like a fortune teller. Oh the joys of being a spiritual Jewish woman . . . but that’s a story for another blog.

Shameful plug: I’ve heard that people can actually make quite a bit of money by having sponsors and advertisers on their blogs . . . I’m completely open to this so by all means, get in touch! pimpmywig@gmail.com.

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