The "Suffering Tzadika"

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I struggle. It's true. The "religious" life does not come easy to me and I find that I have this love/hate relationship with it and with my choices within it. The mindset that I have is not of a typical orthodox woman--for example, many women cover their hair for a variety of reasons: because that's what they've seen their mom do their whole lives; because of reasons related to tzniut (for my non-Jewish friends following this that refers to general rules of modesty followed by most orthodox women) where the hair is considered sexy and this "sexiness" should only be kept for their husband; because of what it says in halacha (Jewish "law"); many women cover their head for no apparent reason at all--they just do it so that they meet the neighborhood dress code. Each to her own. I, on the other hand, cover my hair for one reason and one reason only: because the Zohar (the main book of Kabbalah) describes in detail the immense power of a woman's hair and how that impacts the family system. For me, even though I truly can't stand covering my hair, I do it because I see wisdom in a metaphysical system. I know . . . it's not typical.

So, you see, I end up with a challenge: I look like an orthodox Jewish woman, but the truth is I don't think like a typical orthodox Jewish woman. Or, at least so I thought . . . until I looked around at the faces of the women sitting next to me on Shabbat in orthodox shuls. Maybe we have more in common than anyone wishes to admit or discuss . . . hmmmmmm.

Since I got married I noticed how the joy I gleamed from Shabbat and other holidays has faded somewhat and this has surprised me. After all, shouldn't I be feeling more strongly connected? Shouldn't I feel a greater sense of belonging now that my soul is woven with my soul mate's? Why then do I often feel cheated? Like I'm missing out on something on Shabbat as my husband is enveloped in Torah study and I'm waiting around to have a conversation with him? My husband, G-d bless him, literally gets "high" from Shabbat. I hear him talking to his dad on the phone after Shabbat about how beautiful it was and the Torah discussions and the prayers and yadda yadda yadda. I, on the other hand, am wondering what is wrong with me that it just seemed like another larger dinner that I had to clean up after while all the men sit on their behinds doing nothing but talking in their own world. Is it meant to be that as a woman I am literally falling off my feet exhausted before we even sit down for Seders during Pesach? Is this what is meant to be a "spiritual experience"? It got me thinking . . . hmmmmmmmm.

I guess if I'm totally honest with myself I'd admit that I'm a wee bit jealous. I'm jealous of my husband's "boy's club" at the small Sephardic shul where two women attend each Shabbat (and really no one cares if they are there or not). I miss my community of friends who are not as "observant" as I am now. For me shabbat has always been about the Torah reading--in three years I have only missed one Shabbat. For some reason this is how I make my connection with HaShem (G-d) on Shabbat. But as for the rest, I'm truly missing something because for me, watching my husband study, nap or basically wait for his attention on a Saturday afternoon is not fun for me. Of course there is spending time with the kids which is always nice until they start fighting and then, well . . . not so enjoyable. There are those occasional times on Shabbat afternoon where my husband will study with me, and those are times I cherish because they truly bring me joy . . . they are just somewhat rare.

Last Shabbat the Rabbi, who is really someone I admire and is a wise man, was giving a lecture in Hebrew as he does every Shabbat. I understood about 50% of what he was saying but the part that I understood was him telling this group of men that their wives should encourage them to study Torah. That this is a part of the role of the wife--to kick their husbands out of the house to get to the shul and study in addition to the other hours of time spent daily praying in the morning and the evening (how interesting that the prayers happen to conveniently coincide with the most difficult times of the day with kids when women need the most help--wake-up time, breakfast, getting ready for school, carpool, dinner, homework, bickering, bath, bed time) . . . hmmmmm.

Coincidentally, later that week my husband was reading from one of his books and was telling me how one of the sages says a woman experiences less joy in this lifetime than a man (shocking news for me)--that her role is a more difficult one in that she has to support her "husband's will" to study Torah and that her reward comes in Olam Habah (the next world) where she is rewarded for all the times she encouraged him to study Torah . . . her role has more to do with diapers and dishes in this lifetime I guess. Maybe this is why G-d created the mitzvah of Onah (if you don't know what that is, you MUST learn immediately) so at least we have that going for us . . . hmmmmmmmm.

(For those of you who are feeling their feathers ruffle and are ready to call me the "F" word (feminist that is) don't be so quick--I am personally of the opinion that religion and politics have no business crossing streams--for me this is not about what's "fair" or "equal" but rather it is about quality of life on a day-to-day basis which, based upon what I see, seems to elude many orthodox women.)

Then it dawned on me!! So this is why when I hop around from orthodox shul to orthodox shul trying to find my place all of the women look so miserable and exhausted!! They are Suffering Tzadikot! So, you ask, what is a Tzadika? Well, it would be considered by definition a wise and righteous woman, a G-d fearing woman, a woman who sees the needs of her husband and family and is willing to sacrifice herself, a "spiritual" woman. So now we have a new term I've coined to describe all of the women who so bravely cover their heads, cook the food, raise their kids, go to the mikveh, support and please their husbands, pop out babies one after the other (we have GOT to have that talk about birth control), work jobs, and just generally do it all in the name of . . . what? In the name of WHAT? HaShem? The Light? Their husbands? Their reputation as a Jewish woman? Their parents? Their children? Their lineage? Their Guilt? Themselves?? I guess it's really not my business why anyone does anything, but I for one wish I could come to peace with why I do it because I'm still not sure. I know for certain it has something to do with my relationship with G-d as I generally don't care what other people's perceptions of me are, but if I am truly doing it for my relationship with G-d, then shouldn't I feel JOY? UNADULTERATED JOY??? What is missing here? WHAT AM I MISSING??? The stream of thought continues . . . hmmmmmmmm.

Maybe I am simply too selfish for this lifestyle. Maybe I am thinking that I am "all that" and "spiritual to boot" but really I'm just ignorant and don't get it. I'm open to that possibility completely. Maybe because I didn't grow up so "religious" there is a larger learning curve and someday things will click for me and I'll be able to adapt. Or maybe it's because I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my fourth child and haven't seen my feet in a couple of months which makes me VERY grumpy. . . hmmmmmmmmm.

This brings me to: What do I really want this lifestyle for? Why should I want or need to adapt to this "observant" lifestyle? I can only come up with one answer: I know that there is something here; some very deep and expansive wisdom in this lifestyle and in these teachings that can really bring a person very close to G-d and to our fellow beings. I know that if I am able to tap into it it will make me a better wife, mother and person in general. I know that I will be able to contribute more in the world. I know this in the core of my being. Which is why I guess week after week I continue to struggle and wrestle with the storm of emotions that arises and with the total contradiction between what one part of me wants vs. what the other part of me wants . . . hmmmmmmmmmm

. . . or, maybe, just maybe, I'm too much in my head and not enough in my heart . . . and I just need to look at my ex-gangster-now-turned-rabbi-husband and my beautiful kids and know how much I love them and how much I am loved . . . and just simply be happy.



To be continued . . .


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